one week death
I died and I was trying to recover from emotional pain that my heart also felt five months ago. Through the process, I experienced physical sickness too. Count in the additional battle of human behavior around me. All these I had to handle, more often by myself, especially the heart-mending part.
First day from my death, I had to endure all the after effects of my death, of my leaving, of my departure. Too heavy for the first day.
Second day from my death, I had to deal with the person I could have loved. The way he treated me was like no other. He was the one you would love because you hate him everyday. His sight was the one that would complete your day because you do not want to see him. His words were melodies because they sting. His laughs were music because they were sarcastic. Too painful these were to me.
Third day from my death, I had to bear a physical torture cause by nature’s force. Things around me had been turning filthy, turning against my health. And just before this day ended, I had to suffer so much emotional distress as the one I would love to be with told me he was already a family man. He’s not the one I dealt with yesterday so today’s torment was too much that my heart nearly stops from beating. The pouring of events had been too great for me to take; each word carefully chosen so as not to challenge fate to give me more emotional sufferings. But I was wrong, fate did give me more. I was disheartened of what had befallen of my brother. As all these took place, I had been relying to a single source of hope and happiness. The simplicity of being another’s seed had somehow helped me to see a hint of life beyond all these. A newly found island where I could grow but I discovered that I am not ready to explore that island. And as the day ended, the pain had burnt me with a very little pinch of hope.
Fourth day from my death, I had to face another astonishing person, one of those whom you would love to correct. This one had a different approach of how to hurt me. This one challenged my pride. It turned out good; it turned out satisfying.
Fifth day from my death, I had to be strong for my family. I could not totally wipe out the feeling. However, I had to set aside my own disoriented heart. I thought the day would end smoothly, but I was mistaken. I felt both blessed and tormented by a single fast paced event. The one I would have loved had been so nice to me. I had the chance to see the other side of him. I had the opportunity to deeply know him. However, we were challenged by my desire to love him more and by his newly found courage to let me know him. As the story unfolded, I found myself in a well full of water but unable to submerge due to forces I could not describe. I found myself wanting to give my all but could not because of nature’s limitations. How painful could my coming nights be?
Sixth day from my death, it was boredom that I faced today. Boredom mixed with anxiety. I felt hollow, I felt empty. If previous days had been unclear to me what to think of, now I discovered what it has to be. I had been looking forward for his message. The waiting was killing me. I could not totally shook off the feeling of liking him each day. Not the one who confessed to be a family man, not the one who would bring light to the seed, not the one who challenged my pride, not even nature, but him, the one I could have loved. It was night when he asked me to be someone special in his life, not to be his partner, but his best buddy. I did not know how to react. Clouds filled my mind. Doubt, fear, excitement, I did not know what to feel either. I guess I did not have to feel but doing so was just lying to myself that I do feel. Was he a grace or a fraud? If he is a grace, then I was blessed. If he is a trap, then I had fallen into it. My entire universe is he; he is my entire universe.
Seventh day from my death, I had been able to clear my mind a bit and stabilize my emotions slightly. I had been able to calm the fire inside me. I had been able to see what was good to each event of the whole week. My eyes denied me my tears. My heart started to get numb with pain. It started to absorb every grief and felt nothing. Nothing at all. No more pain. Just nothing. Then as I opened my eyes from a dreamless nap, my wings began to flap. I saw myself renewed; I felt myself transformed. Beneath me were the ashes of yesterday’s fire. Like a phoenix, I had been reborn. But this phoenix knows that its rebirth is not the end, but just the introduction of more trials ahead.
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Philippines License.
